He is fucking rediculously sexy. DO HIM NOW. NOW. NOW. NOW.
theres a boy scout troop on my plane. right now theyre playing wilderness games. let me just tell you how excited i am to hit on all of them
A guy with no shirt on and a eyepatch just got out of the car beside me. After he slammed his door into mine. This is our hometown.
Im so tired of dysfunctional exs fucking up my relationships with future dysfunctional exs
I was high fiving everyone. I even high fived with the wall for doing such a good job suporting the ceiling and keeping us alive.
Smoked a topless bowl this morning. For International Women's Day. Quite liberating.
My dick hurts from so many people grabbing it last night. We're not going back to that club
It's all fun and games until some random starts jerking it on the deck.
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
Last night you said you were going to stop drinking and then proceeded to dip cookies in your vodka.
Sadly that explains a lot.
Yeah,I'm just gonna keep fucking other guys til this idiot figures out he loves me.
New rule: if someone asks if you would like to snort a xanax the answer is no.
Imma make him fuck me with my jersey on tonight while I chant Go Jets Go. Gotta love playoff hockey szn.
Hey, what's the French word for when you meet your boyfriend's friend and you have that gut feeling that you smoked pot naked in a hot tub with him at a house party years ago?
I couldn’t resist. He had a camouflage condom. You know I love a man in a uniform
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