The only birthday messages I got from men were from my 8th grade boyfriend and the bouncer at our bar. I think I'm doing something wrong in life.
i just got on a party bus. i think i left my belly button at the bar.
so he woke up after being passed out and yelled that he had brought back moon rocks for everybody...
Just interrupted a freshman tour to ask where the sexual health center is. Figured I'd just give us all what we were really looking for.
Woke up next to a half eaten California burrito. It was tucked in.
I lost half a toenail and didn't realize it. Bloody shoe shoulda been a clue.
Well, after emptying the contents of my stomach into a fucking rose bush, the only things moving through my digestive system are pills, coffee, and my own lip gloss. If that gives you any idea what kind of a day I'm having.
I feel like emojis are just meant for explaining sex without using words to make anyone uncomfortable. It's a true gift
What kind of paramedic is he, some dude is dying back there and he's trying to get laid
Can i have the words "she went crazy and never came back" written on my grave?
That's the 3rd guy I've made pass out from a bj. I may have super powers.
its hard to say precisely how it happened, but the next thing i knew i was on top of a mountain
it's a shower with the lights off kind of day
short story short, i just screamed anal seepage in the middle of a diner.
Jack and I got in a huge fight at 6am. He fell asleep when I was giving him head so I freaked. We were both black out so I made a memo in my phone reminding me
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