its 10 pm and i am cleaning vomit off the ceiling. i am nowhere near drunk enough for this to be funny.
He's engaged. If the world's smallest penis can find true love than I can too.
Hi. I probably already told you this mid puke, but thanks again for babysitting me last night. How did I get in the car?
I was getting sick from all the peanut butter I had to lick off
Stop bitching. YOU SHOULD FEEL BLESSED TO HAVE LICKED PEANUT BUTTER OFF OF THESE TOTTERS
So the name of the kid from the sponsor a child comercial popped into my head while I was masturbating this morning. Needless to say I will now be now be donating out of guilt.
The amount of guys who just came into the room to give me a high five after hooking up with him was about 5 too many.
I have way too big of a thanksgiving food baby to enjoy any of my old high school booty calls
Oh I was gonna ask you the same thing...? It's official ask anyone to see your husbands dick day.
I just saw someone dressed as a bear leave your house on a motorcycle. I guess you guys are having a good time.
Know we haven't talked but having an orgy party on the 20th if you're interested. If not, disregard this text.
Who is this?
Well I got black out drunk before the rehearsal dinner and berated my family with insults. But other then that it was a good time
I will feel awake by 6 pm
Are we not meeting until 6?
No I'm just saying thats usually when my body knows it's time to party
I fell out of my bed whilst trying not to move this morning. I AM ADULT
I had ice cream for breakfast two days in a row.
SUPER ADULTS
I dunno what to tell you sport. Short of having a shock collar on, you're gonna wanna hook up with people.
seriously i don't trust him. he fed me a hot dog out of a crock pot and gave me moonshine dashed jager bombs.
Randomize
