Why were you high on a thursday?
today's a wednesday
I asked first.
you kept trying to convince me i had aids because my head hurt
The guy I was getting with last night took off his purity ring mid-sex and threw it across the room.
my mom just cut me up lemons and limes so i would have some vitamins with my tequlia
Who are these men, what are we doing here, how is this helping us toward our goals of sex and pasta? Things to consider.
Great night. I'm in the middle of explaining to her how the stock market works and she just rips my pants off and starts blowing me. Nerdiest blowjob ever.
She insisted on cleaning her room in the dark. 5 minutes in, she forgot what she was doing and started putting shirts on instead of hanging them up.
You know what's fun. When your getting a new mattress and you forget you put your vibrator under your old mattress and the moving guy finds it
Need your help. Dad's drunk and trying to build a still in the basement.
NM he's asleep in a pile of towels. They need to ease people back into Hockey Night in Canada.
Random thought: what if being devoured by animals was a death penalty option...and you got to choose the animal?
I was stopped at a light on my way home and a priest threw holy water on my car. Seems fitting after last night.
For a pair of gay men you destroy a lot of vagina.
CALL 911 HAND IS STUCK IN THE GARBAGE DISPOSAL. HELP
Do we still have any pizza left from last night?
There really needs to be a redbox for wine because I want some but too lazy to walk into a store
Yeah because the only thing stopping you from fucking Emma Watson is you not being a Gryffindor
Randomize
