Wish I didn't live with 3 girls so I could beat off in peace.
her underwear stopped being sexy when i saw her pubes sticking out of the top.
someone just puked in the library. they put up caution tape. i totally underestimated finals week.
I don't know how, but he made a bong out of a hamster wheel. To say I am impressed is an understatement.
I woke up in a place I've never been before, with people I've never met before using me as a table for domino's.
Im pretty sure you told the waiter at Dennys last night to take your pants off or show a nipple.
I am in fact going to raffle myself off for a night. If you are interested in buying a ticket let me know. $10 a ticket.
I woke up in the ER. This living like theres no tomorrow really could mean theres no tomorrow.
I'd like to say yes, but I nearly lost my shit when I assumed there was no back to my house. I am not strong enough for hallucinations.
I think it's safe to say I'm rolling my hypothetical balls off
He said I kept trying to give him directions back to my house in Rhode Island, and that I started crying when he told me I live in Phoenix.
I tried to be mean but not so mean that he won't bone me next weekend
You know how I said I hit my head so hard I saw two of him and tried to make out with both? Well, it turns out he has a twin.
'allo, good sire. how dost thy day goeth?
oh no. you're at that weird Renaissance Festival thing again, aren't you?
I am an inebriated elf. you may fucketh off.
I teamed up with my vagina. I compromised his morals and then she corrupted him for good. It’s been a very successful and slutty partnership
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