omg, I know. It's so embarrassing that we've both had his penis in parts of our bodies
Hey a mouth doesn't really count. A vagina counts more.
it was terrible. i could've done a better job by myself.
I'm good, just tired from chardonnay and giving hand jobs.
I can't believe all I ate yesterday was half a turkey sandwich and 20 finger licks of exctasy.
By the way, thank you for feeding me fries when I was sitting on the floor.
Ugh. my cast still smells like fermenting hot tub water and bad decisions.
We used the solo cup bag for her hair tie. Desperate times call for desperate measures.
He also turned out to be underage (the fucking liar) so we had to get drunk on cooking sherry
Having to grow a landing strip to cover the bruises from pole dancing. Thanks for the birthday present, but next time, maybe just a gift card?
Vodka tonic time....wish me luck!
Go for it my man. I'm saving my shit show night for tomorrow. Gonna make it a big one just to let the entire bar know why I'm single
You left your Xanax bottle in my car. Why is the label all smudged?
I spilled wine on it.
I want you
Nvm, now I want someone who replies to my booty-call texts faster
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
It's an interesting experience to pee while a bird meows at you.
You need to get out of the house more
You went after him with a sword while screaming “FAJITAS!”. And Todd was dressed as a Goth for some reason
Randomize
