how do u look a man in the eye when u own both his daughters V-Cards?
I just realized that I've become that person they make the alcohol warnings on medicine for.
he was humming party in the usa while we were having sex.
I'm on a cruise to the Bahamas and this text message is gunna cost me $10 but I need you to pray on my behalf for the things I'm about to do these 2 girls and what I did last night to a 35 year old mother of 3.
What do you mean you don't pregame your bikini waxes?
I'm going to leave the fate of whether I go to my midterms up to my dealer hitting me up or not
In the midst of you puking your guts out, you stopped, looked at the globe in front of you and whispered "America.."
I'd introduce you to the guys, but you'd probably make them all fall in love with you
I could do with a Floridian man-harem. Let's do this.
At my eighteen year old cousin's wedding. Getting hit on by a 9 year old. No one knows who he came with. I'm pretty sure he just showed up from the field behind the church. Help.
Looks better than the half a blow job I got the other night which I had to finish myself. From a chick I refer to simply as "mom jeans".
I tried to order champagne at IHOP last night
I think I'm destined to be the stoner version of one of those successful but emotionally unavailable characters Sandra Bullock always plays in movies
Stop calling my penis "Fat Jesus"
Also so weird my phone cracked after I repeatedly threw it at the ground as hard as possible
Working from home has been great for my sex life! A few of my neighbors are in open marriages and several more wish they were!!!
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