you're like the ceasar milan of boners... you understand them on a different level.
i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
Just because we had intercourse doesn't mean we're friends.
we seriously had to hang a plastic bag on his ears so he could throw up right into it.
Just pulled over to throw up in a day care parking lot while the kids were outside playing. The adults were mortified.
Should I take my grandma to a keg tomorrow or not? Serious question
My high school reunion is Thursday so I need to find an outfit that says "Haha, you got fat and I got tits. Suck it, bitches."
Just discovered i ordered the nhl center ice package back in september, the operator said there was a note next to the time I called, indicating I may have been intoxicated while calling (no clue why but it was noted)...meaning I was drunk...meaning ill never miss another sabres game...i love me and am beaming with self pride
I just had to take a picture of someone whose testicles are bigger than my fists combined. Living the dream.
I may have just masturbated while on hold with the IRS. don't judge me
Im so hungover I just threw up at the sight of a CARTOON CRABBY PATTY
Just reached for my phone in my non existant pocket while it was in my hand.
Sorry 4 always trying to rope you into my sexual exploits
Hahaha wearing a fake moustache in public was the best idea i ever had
He made me spaghetti, gave me wine and I fucked him on the floor, Is that a fair trade of services to you?
Randomize
