Oww! U thought rug burn was bad! Fuckin carseat burn hurts like a mother!!!
Wtf?
Use the slutty part of ur brain.
I was so drunk last night i ate cereal with a fork.
So pretty much, I was trying to piece last night together and remembered a point where I was pointing to you heart then touching your face. I'm not sure that I ever translated that to "I like your personality better than your looks" but that's what I meant
he accidentally used the toothbrush i use to induce my bulemia...i feel like this is something he shouldnt find out...
Apparently mid blow job I started crying telling her how "Wonderful this blow job is"
the clerk said it was the first time she had ever seen someone walk in the next day to return the tux still wearing the tux
I don't make the first move. Ever. Unless were playing monopoly cause that's my shit
I'm on my fifth double. This night is getting better whether it likes it or not.
Your children are clinging to me like my teets are full of bountiful milkiness. They're driving me nuts. I felt my uterus shrivel up.
List 10 things your GF won't do for you, and we can work through that list.
Oh Jesus. Are you going to the hospital?
No I'm showering then leaving for Vegas
there may have been a blood oath never to speak of it again...only reason i can think of as to why there was a 1 inch bloody cut on my right boob
sitting in a shitty karaoke bar playing pokemon go and drinking a mimosa. how is your sunday night
I'm not well. Although it could be worse.
My cousin is so hungover she quit her job.
Apparently I bought a laptop last night, then gave the laptop to a friend who was going to give it to her friends' friend to put some cool shit on it. Anyway, I have no idea where my new laptop is now.
Randomize
