New high or new low? Cat walked into the bathroom while I was taking a #2, looked @ me, sneezed and walked out..
Why are we friends again?
Its like they don't get that I only talk to them before homecoming, thanksgiving, or any other time I go home. I love highschool girls.
You took a bar mat shot.
I'm one ex away from doing an entire victory lap of all of the guys I've hooked up with since second semester of freshman year. Single me is scary.
I made him a flow chart of what to do if I got arrested.
I have a new game. It's called "how weird can you act before a guy won't fuck you". I've deducted most guys are willing even if you're batshit insane.
Currently getting "blaow" buzzed into my pubes. How's your thursday?
Just realized my relationship wasn't even Facebook official and I'd already cheated on him. 'Shitty girlfriend' is an understatement.
I didn't want sex last night, but she charmed my dick out of my pants like a snake charmer.
Btw. I have a sinus infection from doing cocaine in a portapotty at a Duran Duran concert. So, gimme a couple of days before y'all start the party.
Holy fuck, my entire boob is bruised! Lierally my boob is just one big bruise.
He climbed over 2 rows of the cab and told some random girl we were riding with that he would be in the back seat if she wanted to have sex
On a scale of 1 to shit show you were "i just pissed myself"
woke up with 8 used magnum condoms bound together by floss around my neck, thats about all im gonna tell you.
We just had a contest for who has less of a gag reflex...I am sad to admit that my mother won.
Randomize
