I took her to see 2012 then broke up with her, the movie was a metaphor.
don't worry about the neighbors I'm like 99% sure all that snow covered a good portion of our vomit
I want to give my boyfriend great head for his birthday...can i practice on you?
i will pay you if you can come get me. he just suggested that we would have a hockey themed wedding.
He's coming over for beer and a movie, but I just don't know if he's interested.
Pathetic and sad. I should come over there and fuck both of you just to get the ball rolling.
Next time he asks to wax your nipple while you're passed out I promise I'll be sober enough to intervene.
When someone comes out of your vagina and stomps on your dreams, you'll understand.
Got high again and all I want to do is wave this flag around
I feel like I missed the land of milk and honey and instead wound up in the land of beer and pizza. And yet, I think I'm happier here.
These muscle relaxers obviously don't work because I'm harder than a fucking diamond.
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
I gave his daughter swim lessons and in exchange he sold me an ounce. I feel so accomplished.
Awesome. I did a rain go away dance. And it went away. Nbd just cotrollin the weather with my mind and sweet dance moves
I am drunk shake weighting right now.
He gave his liver a pep talk before the vodka chugging started
Randomize
