I want to take you away to a place of dolphin rides and hot stone massages.
you guys were way drunker than both of me
i saw a stretcher and literally ran around for 10 minutes telling people it wasnt for me
I gave you a lap dance in a bowling alley... And I was Fine?
It's like a new game! Find out if he's circumcised without actually seeing it
I fucked her wearing an American flag. Now here I am, awake, naked, and flag less. How do I report this to the police?
So, I'm drinking, and I put my head down in the table. The cat jumped up to check on me, I have a cat sober monitor.
Just had an hour long talk with a woman, turns out she's the mom of the guy i lost my virginity to. Even better his dog was also present.. Meeting the family at its best?
By the way, anytime you want to go toe to toe on Doggystyle lyrics just let me know!
Who is this? Did we just become best friends?!
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
idk i was trying to watch Fuller House and you got up out of a dead sleep, just in your boxers, said "no more Dave Coulier" and walked out to the living room and unplugged the router
Also mom is not happy about me telling her how much i want the women sprinters on the Olympics to beat me up
I need more than 2 fuckable people this is an outrage
How ya feelin sunshine?
Like a million dollars! ... That has been hit by a bus, drowned under water and beat repeatedly by a shovel.
OMG LOOK AT THAT PIECE OF MAN
I haven’t trained for this.
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