Gettin pulled over, can you watch my dog and pay the bils for a while?
P.S. I can't hear my feet
I literally just watched a girl motorboat herself
I woke up with the wrong plaid-shirted guy in my bed.
You told me to hold on because you had to barf like a dinosaur.
You made me wash my hair in the kitchen sink while eating bay leaves
He's taking me to Burger King to celebrate losing my virginity..
i have an important question...can you drink in jail?
"There should be some kind of award for sleeping with your ex 9 times in 3 days."
You are not the cause of late onset lesbianism.
Scientific fact: if he makes a face like a demonic dog when he's fucking you, makes it easier to fuck without feelings.
Woke up this morning with a plate of ravioli in my bed. Who says being single can't be fun?
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
Who did he bring home?
Idk. But did you see her shoe choice by the stairs, I'm really not expecting anything great.
You’re not his type
I’ve got blonde hair and great tits. I’m every man’s type
Randomize
