I didnt realize til after I got out of her apartment and into the lobby that we lived in the same building.
I don't know who he was, where he came from, or where he went, but he just handed me a bowl of mac and cheese and left. It was good too.
This is so pathetic it makes me miss snorting lines alone in my room listening to 'one more drink'.
I'd say I should re evaluate my life choices, but I'd make the same decisions only faster and wearing a push up bra.
I'm driving up the street and can't tell if my ears are actually about to pop or not.
A solid 8.5 on the baked meter, I need to stop.
Bring a bathing suit and your good liver.
My good liver is still at the dry cleaners. Will my backup liver suffice?
Maybe
How does she have a hairless cat and a husband it's not fair. Both are hard to come by
We smoked before the sunrise hike. I ended up eating a banana and singing Circle of Life as the sun rose over the horizon.
The album on my phone containing gross pictures to send when boys ask for nudes is now substantially larger than my normal photo album. Because I send one every night
No, the high point was when you stood on a chair and shouted you were the god of tits and wine.
you never un-have a 4some
He asked me how flexible I was and all I could think about was that time I threw my back out putting in a tampon.
I REALLY NEED TO STOP CELEBRATING THAT FUCKING HOLIDAY
Pretty sure my aunt hooked up with one of my brothers frat brothers at his graduation party
If I told the doordash driver it's national nudity day, think he'd still report me for being topless at the door?
Randomize
