I just got hit in the face by an old lady love handle.
I love seeing you outside of a bar. It's like seeing a dog walk on its hind legs
Just found a dugout in my rental car glove box. Suddenly my mood is upbeat.
Turns out shot glasses hold the perfect serving of sour patch kids....I still fail to see how not having any real glasses is an issue
she just blew up the empty bag of wine and used it as a floatation device.
If you were wondering whether I accidentally FaceTime called the undergrad who works for me in lab during a particularly graphic blow job last night, then the answer is yes.
Highlight of the weekend: getting roundhouse kicked in the dick while switching from reverse cowgirl.
Just left a strip club where they let me on stage to teach them tricks. Time of my life!
I`m watching Shallow Hal & Jack Black has better nipples than Jimmy's chick.
Naw but when she was in the bathroom I threw the condom out the window and I'm pretty sure it hit some girl
Never thought an ATM max withdrawal could be such a good thing...
He didn't even get to the first chorus of Hotel California before he started convulsing on top of me.
If he sends me a dick pic so help me god.
Last night when I blacked out, I ate Chef Boyardee. I never want to be that drunk ever, ever again.
We fucked to Bonnie Tyler in my car. He's the one.
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