6:33 AM: I'm drunk at this time of morning.
puked in the new hous. now it's officially home.
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
we just made rock paper scissors into a drinking game
he was CRYING into my vagina
Do you think if Santa was real that he's have a big penis?
they just started filling water ballons with vodka.
on my way.
. Drop what your doing. Were going to Knoxville for midget wrestling. It's the championship.we can NOT miss this.
I watched you fall asleep, sitting up, eating a cinnamon roll. You proceeded to wake up...smile at your cinnamon roll, ask it how it got into your hand and then began eating it again. You asked me if you were ridiculous last night, define ridiculous.
I'm about to start putting my tampons in the microwave for a few seconds these plastics applicators and this weather don't mix
After a roaring rendition of Jay-Z's "99 Problems but a bitch ain't one" I ended up making her cry on her birthday.
I fucking hate tequila. Tequila makes me hate pants.
the insurance claim form from last night says foreign object removal from genitourinary tract so as far as the insurance company knows, it could have been a gerbil
He just ate a tooth whitening strip...
I'm just trying to figure out the reason why humans wear socks....
Randomize
