Also my back is semi rug burned and I'm holding you fully responsible.
I would love to give you more rug burn
Vodka is such a love hate relationship.
Truer words have never been spoken.
I came over to his house for a party and realized I was quoted on the fridge... "How'd I get rug burn on my face?" And yes, my name was right next to it!
Also, I just saw a woman change into her stripper outfit in the bathroom at Target.
We had to leave the bar because you were trying to show the bartender your boobs for water.
Just found a note from Saturday that says "rainy soft hair".... Any ideas?
Something about getting whistled at in my work clothes while crossing the street with three Nuvarings in my back pocket feels wrong.
They want yo temporarily sterile ass.
This hurricane was the perfect excuse to buy 2 pounds of animal crackers and a case of beer. It's on Sandy.
I think I maybe realized he was too old for me when I went into his bathroom and he had anti aging face cream.
Just went to my first strip club and they had Fox News on. Conservative booty time.
I find it weird that you'll let me in your vagina, but not your house
I never want to even look at fireball again because it reminds me of the night I died and then lived to tell the tale of how I died.
Open the door and I will lure them out to freedom with viagra and candy orange slices. You know they love that shit.
I'm not sure if I should pay him or he should pay me, but someone should get paid for the sex I had this morning.
I didn’t not spend thanksgiving morning making out with him in a diner parking lot
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