YOU GOT EVICTED FROM A TRAILER PARK!?!? WTF!!!!!
Her "get-your-paper-done-early-blowjob" incentive is the thing that has successfully deterred my procrastination
she said she didn't want to sleep with me again because I wasnt a generous lover. I ignored her slight moustache, didnt i? i think thats pretty damn generous
I just used my med student white coat as ID to buy beer at 9 in the morning
I'm at McDonalds and when I walked up to the register the guy said "I'm so sorry." Before I said a word. That's how bad my hangover is.
I wasn't sure if "you're even prettier in the dark" was a compliment. Hmm.
i feel like verizon should give a sexter of the month award
There are walks of shame and then there are walks of what the hell is wrong with you.
His bootycalls folder in his contacts are divided into regions, we should have all become airline pilots.
I stumbled in at 6am to find my cat in the window making a noise I've never heard her make. When I went to the window there was a goat outside staring at us.
Are you sure? Or did you just think there was a goat?
No there was a goat. I gave it a donut.
This bitch flirting at the bar needs to close her legs and open up a book. I can literally feel my IQ dropping every time she bends down to show her tits.
Jealous?
Very.
It was the classiest, most strategic and inspired vomiting I've ever witnessed. Like a blind mans first sunrise. A priests first prayer. Or a virgins first orgasm.
Dude, you were dipping oreos in vodka and asking people to try it, "It's so good!"
Decided in my tanked state last night purchase 2 weeks worth of xanax, so I can guess my way thru this week and finals. Soberly, I decided it would be a great way to test my knowledge of finance.
I know it sounds all cute and shit that I wanted him to be with me last night, but it's not cute. I just wanted to fuck.
Randomize
