wrigley field is MILF paradise
God dammit. Now I'm pissed at Arizona, while feeling bad for my poor, poor penis.
I saw a sign that said worlds largest frying pan next exit. Way to do your fucking part Iowa.
It got to the point that I had to make flashcards with their name on the front and dick pics on the back.
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
They let me keep the giant cocktail glass because I threw up in it. And made out with the bartender. Europeans are so generous. I'm getting it engraved
Halfway through he got an idea for a short story so he wrote it in magic marker on my boobs. Yeah, he's a keeper.
Me and the guy at the liquor store are on a first name basis, college is all about networking.
Bro... You handed me an ice cube from your drink and said "tell me if it tastes like pickles".
I have cobwebs on my vagina for halloween. And bats fly out when I open my legs.
i think you lost all your innocence when you were caught straddling a fence in your thong & cowboy boots by the 40 year old apartment manager
The day i have a fb album titled " I have become a townie" you can shoot me in the foot and tell me to get my life together
I'll say this one last time. You are TWENTY FIVE YEARS OLD. You are not going to die alone and this is not the twilight of your life. Stop taking shrooms on your period!!!!
I was all, oh. I've had tattoos and broken a limb. Waxing my lady parts will be a cake walk. I was wrong.
I asked what it takes to be a good delivery driver, my new boss said "always keep these in your vehicle" as he handed me a flashlight and a blunt. I'm going to like this job.
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