toast her oven
toast her strudel
inspect her gadget
My mom walked down and caught me drinking by myself, watching the nanny at 3:30AM. I had no idea what to say
Once you realized you couldn't finish the 30 you started walking down the street and leaving a beer in everyone's mailbox
The two guys from next door helped him do a backflip. The ended up throwing him halfway through a ceiling tile. Don't worry, we fixed it with duct tape.
I found the hair cut I want on the girl in the porno I'm watching. now really sure how to show my stylist.
Food lion is just a portal. Cheetos are the goal. Its like not banging a super hot chick cause she is french. She still has the same parts just from a different box.
Now I am going to fly my toy helicopter in the dark.
He was president of his frat and had a clap on disco ball in his room... or course I slept with him
I feel like despite his sleaziness I could be friends with this man. he just sent me a picture of his dog's balls.
He came over hammered at four in the morning with roses trying to get me back when my new fling opened the door he just stood there crying for 40mins even after we closed the door
Did i tell you that he's legal and i got his number? Because he's legal and i got his number. THIS BITCH AIN'T GOING TO JAIL YET
Most tragic bathtub-fart of all time. I am going to be late.
I keep having dreams where I tie him up and eat cookies off of him while riding him. Wtf brain.
Here's the thing. Kinda drunk. Eating leftover soup. In bed. Watching Disney channel.
First aid class means get dry humped by moderately attractive college students during heimlich maneuver training.
we went to the skate park then back to her house for dinner, and somehow that ended with her making me blueberry pancakes at 2am
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