Alex texted me. Bootycall boy #2. its like an alarm goes off once i'm single that the line is open again
Reach down the front of your pants and feel around for a while. When you find your balls, leave the library and meet me at the bar.
when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
Reading in my econ of energy textbook about the US' largest oil spill from the 1990's.. guess i can't sell this one back either
I can't begin to describe what I look like walking through the grocery store with this outfit and chocolate syrup.
Between the plague n the counterfeit drugs we brought back from mexico I'm not thinking too highly of their country right now. Screw mexican homeless men.
it will be an insanely irresponsible summer.the only things i plan on not doing are dying and getting pregnant.and even those are negotiable
You were so drunk you decided to go out of the car window instead of using the door, once you realized what you had just done you said fuck it and went back in through the window
NOLA update. Went to Corey Smith at the house of blues last night. Drank PBR and took lots of shots of Jack. Too drunk, cabbed it to the hotel and fell asleep while having sex. Not my finest moment. Now I'm in court. I can't wait to be your attorney.
Being drunk with magicians is fucking mind blowing. This Asian guy just made a platypus appear and disappear. This is not a drill.
I think were only still together so we can make each other miserable
I guess what I'm trying to get to is that my dog sneezed on my dick earlier and its really taken the joy out of my evening.
We need to know if his feet match his cock.
Last thing I remember at your house last night is your dad leaning on the beer pong table and saying "you guys can fucking party"
He said I have the “Denzel Washington” of vaginas.
Randomize
