Courtney? Is that you? I have pictures of this very same night.
Life lesson: Don't ever put your penis in a crazy girl. Especially if she's married. And has a kid.
why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
Mango Malibu should win a nobel peace prize
I'm about to cry with happyness at the beer that will be consumed
standing in the yard with no pants on waiting for google maps to come and take a picture.
Pregaming for shuffle board at 10 AM. I love spring break.
I bought a fake diamond ring to wear, not only to bars to keep the creeps away, but so that I'll be judged less by the front desk girl at Planned Parenthood
I just held a marble with my kegel muscles for 5 min. You may call me COCKCLAMP 9000!!!!
OH GOD NOT SANTA BABY. NO NO NO. YOU'RE LIKE 85. OMG MULTIPLE WOMEN. NO NO NO STAHP.
Sushi was just eaten off my naked body. I feel like I can die in peace now.
holy shit the woman im hooking up with is closer to my moms age than my own
there's people who respect me enough not to bang on my bed and i think that's beautiful
I was so high last night I honestly think my tears were medicinal
You are currently doing Harry Potter spells with the turkey-baster...
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