his internet history is a lot of porn, how to make a hovercraft and side-effects of jacking off too much
I have all these new brothers and sisters I'm just now finding out about
i was driving around baked, windows down jamming to third eye blind and eating grapes for 35 minutes before i remembered why i left my house
Between the booze, mechanical bulls, and penis's I think my body hates it when I'm single
You told the cop at mobil to keep it real and look both ways before crossing the street.
New low: just got woken up by my 9 year old cousin throwing an empty at me and telling me to get my life together.
I was on my way last night when some asshole yelled "make better life choices" out the window of his car. I felt so self conscious I went home.
Whenever you get off. By "pick me up from work" I mean, "pick me up from a bar by work at your earliest convenience" :)
the cops are being surprisingly chill about david hanging from a tree with no pants.
Did I just hear you ask Siri about the meaning of life?
Packing for college has become a game of where did I hide my sex toys.
I will read books by day and do guys by night. A mental and physical enlightenment, if you will.
where did we go last night? there's dollar bills all over my room & they're all wet.
And he kept lifting up his shirt every few minutes to check if his nipples were still there
He updated Facebook... "Got a new phone today." WHAT ABOUT THE FUCKING KID YOU HAD?!
Randomize
