the sex was like sticking it in a jar of mayonnaise
you kept running across the street. everytime you made it across successfully you took something off. can't believe there were no cops around...
oh thats it?
if I'm ever single again, I swear to god I'm going to have 87 venerial diseases
You drank the expired grape juice because you were convinced it had fermented into wine...you have a problem.
i was like hansel and gretel. i puked a trail from mcdonalds to our place so i could find my way back in the morning
Mass Text: Free blowjob to first person to bring me a nacho cheese chalupa.
just went back to the bar and asked if they found a shoe last night.
Dude I was taking a shower and I kept looking down at the drain expecting Mario to come up, yell "It's a me, Mario!", tickle my balls, and go back down the drain.
took off my bra and popcorn fell out of it. im gonna puke at this wedding...
Real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch buck Rodgers in Tuesday.
Jesus Christ you're perfect.
FOUND: my underwear in the cabinet above the toilet. What the actual fuck.
You took a selfie with my hard dick and sent it to Scott with the caption 'Toldja'. It was hard to forget you're a teenager after that
I need to stop getting drunk and telling people it isn't "about them."
It was the cape. I can't control myself when I wear a cape.
I sucked his dick by a creek, how romantic.
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