Dear tim. Christina farted and it smells like kid roses.
got some bad news about ur virginity. she didnt make it thru the night
I wish the iPhone would register texts from 11:59 as "Last Year" instead of "Yesterday."
i have a bunch of little boys around me trying to hit on me
dont be selfish, show some boob
Maybe you should go over there and lead him on and reach down his pants like he's about to get some and yank his balls.
That's the best idea I've heard all day.
The last thing I remember is funneling tequila out of a pink noodle.
I made the bartender pinky promise me there was still vodka in my drinks.
He called it restless penis syndrome. I call it cheating.
Just saw a woman in bootie shorts and a winter coat at the library. God. Bless. Prostitutes.
Man, I want to make his penis a sandwich.
I've been here 11 months and i just realized i have literally never looked at my apartment/roomates sober
I think my dove chocolate wrapper just told me to masturbate.
I thought you might think I was an idiot who thought cock rings prevent STDs,
Woke up with a pineapple again... where do i keep on getting these ??
Im 76 percent sure I took a fully clothed shower last night.
Randomize
