He said I taste like butterscotch, licked me, then I'm pretty sure he wet his pants. So no, I do not want to invite him over.
It was awful. Mid hookup he started reading the titles of the books over my bed, which were about Russian imperial history. He then started asking me questions about the class I was reading the books for. I was like "WE HAVE TIME FOR THAT LATER, PLEASE CONTINUE."
GO AHEAD, BITCH, GLARE AT MY WAFFLE ONE MORE TIME. I WILL FUCK YOU UP.
I feel like getting drunk at the airport is sort of a rite of passage into adulthood, but maybe i should reserve that occasion for a flight thats not just 1 hr
Please tell me you werent the one who replaced every beer bottle in my fridge with a picture of a baby kitten.
... and if i was..
Fuck. You.
Probably TMI here but I just rubbed one out while listening to thunderstruck, almost ripped my dick off.
I don't know how it happened. All I did was tell her I was impressed by her presentation. Her nail marks on my back ain't going away anytime soon.
There were containers of weed in the piñata. How much more Colorado does it get
Well, after a pitcher of beer, I set my ex on fire. It was a little fire, he's fine. How's your night?
How did you end up breaking into that laundromat at 3am? I saw the snapchat but like..... How?
Can't be like "hey can you elaborate on this three year old tweet" can I?
Oh, don't mind me, that's just my vagina rattling.
I was just told that I'm the Sherlock Holmes of drunken sex. I'll take it.
The last thing I remember was them slipping shots into my beer bong, and me being happy about it
I just thought I should tell you that I always know what you are doing. Everywhere. Every time. -Your loving Mother
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