The worst part of it is that he's not the first man I've fucked with 2+ chihuahua's.
you spent the rest of the night making a recipe for mixed drink called "the new years bowel remover". it has 13 parts but judging from the bold all caps, the boiled avocado is the most important
Im gonna need you to always be ready for drinking or this will never work. grow up peter pan.
Yea it's a sex scar. But if anyone asks I tripped up carpeted stairs
i don't think they understood the house was collapsing. they kept dancing and jumping and asking for more cups.
Just you wait I'll be crying and puking everywhere in no time
How do you leave a condom wrapper under my mom's pillow...
This may not be the best moment to laugh, but I am.
Although a guy bought me a shot of fireball last wknd and I told him he wouldn't even get half a handjob for that and walked away so don't tell me I don't have standards
Dude. There are selfies on my phone of me, wide-eyed, sucking my pillow. We did NOT split that bag 50/50.
I'm currently deliberating if I'm going to be too drunk on New Years to handle wearing false eyelashes.
I have a 30 minute video visit blind date tonight with a guy in prison. And it's costing me $9. ROCK... BOTTOM...
WHY HAVE SO MANY THING GONE IN MY BUTT ON THIS TRIP
Edible... I FEEL CLOSER TO THE UNIVERSE AND I DEF TRAVELED IN TIME. I THINK I CAN READ MINDS NOW.
He tried to grab your ass, but he grabbed my hand cause I grabbed your ass first. I saved your ass..literally. Your welcome.
He sounds like Chris Tucker and wants to eat me out when I’m on my period. If that isn’t love I don’t know what is.
Randomize
