apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
so i was eating a special k bar this morning for breakfast and started choking on it so i reached into my bag for water turns out it was liquor.
If I could have all the money back from the pregnancy test i've bought- I could buy myself a vacation.
Or a large amount of condoms?!?
Miserable. My projectile vomit just woke me up from a 5.5 hour nap.
Guys, right now i need a picture of a squirrel, preferably with one of you guys but not necessary.
So i think i'm going to frame my summons tickets and give them to dad as a christmas present...
She twisted her ankle and paid a homeless guy for a piggy back ride home from the bar.
He wrote on the paper that he wanted a "Ptitty burreto" from taco bell...when we ordered it the girl paused and entered "Potatoe burrieto"....we laughed
My therapist thinks I shld paint u something to show u my appreciation 4 ur friendship. 1) she must think I'm rite on the brink of no friends 2) this is real
I dont know what we smoked last night but I woke up and found out I started writing a book called White Trash Princess. Its the best thing Ive ever read
I can't tell if my bong is gender-neutral or not
My walk of shame is starting to become positively reinforcing; I stop by Starbucks and when I leave I look someone just heading to work.
I'VE LOST MY DIGNITY, MY PRIDE, AND EVEN MY BOOTY CALL. HAPPY THANKSGIVING.
You're an adult now and it's your vagina. You should do what it or you wants.
woke up with 4 bruises, 2 hickies and a bad case of rug burn. texans are dangerous.
Randomize
