You know you want to come over later
1:27a: Um no
1:45a: Maybe
2:05a: Probably
2:38a: I'm outside, let me in
ofcourse shes the first one pregnant. wasnt she the one who asked the middle school health teacher how many calories are in sperm?
Just saw a guy at the gas station legitimately dressed in exactly what my costume was last night. Fuck his life.
you passed out when you kept trying to hold your breath during the underwater scenes of 2012
Who would have thought google would have HELPED me fail a test...not pass...thank you pacman, thank you google....
He dated me before I started drinking. I feel like he deserves a consolation bj for all the effort he had to put in to get in my pants.
officially christened the dorm room by sucking my spilled drink off the floor. tastes like homee
if you just come over, i will entertain you
arguing about the color of your bong does not count as entertainment
Just had the moment before I realised I'd packed you off in an ambulance last night after funnel-feeding you Monster and vodka. Your mom thinks I'm a dick doesn't she?
Bad Decision October is in full swing. I was telling people that "I put on eye makeup today, I'm takin' a dude home with me!".
It's a good thing vaginas don't have taste buds
The cop told me I was the prettiest guy he'd arrested in a while. I'm still not sure if it was a come on or not.
When a guy asks for your ig but you already know his blood type, social security number, & mother's maiden name.
Hey I need you to run the morning meeting, for reasons I can explain when I find out where I left my car
was that you i just saw walking down the street in only one heel smoking a cig yelling "hello sexuals" to everyone who passed??
HELLLLLO SEXUAL BEING
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