dude you need to get laid
me?
no, the other guy who hasn't been laid in 7 months
oh I thought you were talkin about me
wait
dude i woke up to her making a statue of my morning wood for her sculpture class. HOW THE FUCK do you think i feel about her?
i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
Hold on there are flying pancakes I can't handle this right now
mom brought her knitting needles with her. its bad enough to be in the ER on new years, but to be with the knitting parent!?
I cant prove it..but im almost positive that you were just outside my window watching me while eating out of a bag of Cheetos...
Oh shut up man. Once the police get involved its every man for themself.
N.C. cops just used a megaphone to tell me I have a slutty outfit. My life is complete.
Is it bad that I feel proud to be the first one to puke in the apartment? And I did it in style?
You straight up painted the counter with steak, tequila and beer. You owe me a knew toothbrush.
He is 30 (that's 8 years older than I am) and uses more Emojis than I do. Problem?
When the theology professor asked me what touched me most about this trip to Rome, I guess "the guy from last night" wasn't the proper response.
Fuck it. I'm going for it. You're only young once, right?
You've been saying that for 5 years now. Let me know when the novelty wears off.
He said he would get me a helmet and bedazzle it with my name and address so the cabs would know where to take me
As soon as you told us you were an ostrich with a big penis, we began to wonder what you were on and if you wanted to share.
how is it I left wearing underwear then ended up with none? and why is it they are on you?
Randomize
