ya dads aren't the best wingmen
just brushed my teeth with a bottle of jack. ew. not all it's hyped up to be.
Hey guess what I got for Valentine's day? Debt and blue balls.
moving back to school this early was a terrible idea we already used up our bail fund
I need to make a 'no kissing' rule for my casual hookups during cold season...this cold is so not worth it.
It's not my fault. Someone keeps buying me tequila shots. Idk who. But every time I look down there's another. I think there's a conspiracy.
she demanded that I make her breakfast too so im in the bathroom cooking bacon with her straightener
and a jello shot exploded in my bra last night. Now I have blueberry smurfette boobs. Awesome.
I just creeped on air mattress guy's facebook and discovered his ex is the trifecta of evil: tiny, cute, and blonde.
it's ok my mom asked me why i had a guys shirt on and also why there was chocolate all over my bra
You threw up in your own shoe then wore it home
You didn't throw up on me, you threw up on yourself and then tried to give me a hug
It's really life affirming to be at a wedding thinking wow I took your husbands virginity
He stopped mid-fuck to explain his choice in pillows. HE WAS STILL IN ME!
Hey did you take a shower last night at like 4am?
"ummm...." (Thinking in my head) wet towel, soaking wet hair, clean pjs on backwards... "that would make more sense then what I thought happened..."
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