omg this kid i'm babysitting is making a penis out of playdough ahhhh.
He just rolled me a 'baby penis' as opposed to his 'big boy' penis that he crafted...he just demanded that I roll him a penis.
I'm so drunk I cant read cursive anymore.
I cant wait for the day that I tell my daughter I named her after my favorite porn star.
you kept making us tell you how cute you looked in your new outfit, even after you threw up all over it
That drug basically just makes anything that's in your mouth awesome
He came in looking for condoms, iced coffee, and a gas tank. I need to be where he's going.
I lost count after the 4th body shot but I think I'm wearing at least 3 different peoples clothes.
Bought two parrots for us. I'm keeping them at the Bellagio.
Send me the picture of my mugshot, my boss got arrested last night and I'm trying to make her feel better.
I walked in and you were laying on the floor bleeding everywhere half asleep half crying and moe was at the kitchen table eating frozen pizza refusing to acknowledge you. What a sight.
The only thing I remember is vomiting and then feeding my dog a Mcdonalds cheeseburger and telling him yolo
I used to put Bugles on my penis and pretend it was a wizard.
How did it feel to just observe all the people blacking out usually you're on the other end of things
I felt like I was at the zoo
Woke up this morning with Nerf Bullets stuck to everything in my house and nut in my belly button. What exactly happened last night?
With each thrust he'd whisper "like a ninja." Should I be flattered or appalled?
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