A stripper just got mad at me for saying goddammit. She's in no position to lecture me on morality
I intend to get homeless drunk
we took turns throwing up in the kitchen sink last night...no i am not doing the dishes
Hangovers were designed by God when he decided that so far he had taken it WAY TOO EASY on me.
If I die I am blaming you for not answering to tell me the proper dosage of horse tranquilizers to take
I just woke up to pictures of every angle of his dick I'll ever need to see.
I'm trying to think of how to explain to the dentist tomorrow that I think I pulled my jaw muscle eating pizza while drunk.
Divorce is final. Doing tequila shots at 1 in the afternoon.
Nothing is more awkward than taking a dump while someone is crying in the bathroom.
I got carried to one bar. Got a piggy back ride to the next bar. I was just testing our drinking team for st pattys day to make sure they are able to handle me more drunk than that.
My ex was there, the 2 girls I'm seeing showed up and I had a pocket full of VIP passes 2 the strip club. Had all the makings of an epic night but I fell asleep at the bar.
Bud light lime after 12 shots of vladdy is like frolickin in a meadow of sweet flavor
In related news, I couldn't want to blow you more if your dick made harmonica noises.
You passed out in your dogs bed and you only willingly woke up because I told there was a bottle of vodka and a snickers bar waiting for you upstairs
I am mildly hung over. Decided pants are very unnecessary right now.
Randomize
