We have zombies coming, and all you can think about is cock.
I figured out why I insisted on leaving my sweater on the ground outside. I smelled it and I'm 97% sure I peed on it last night
Why do they give me cups on $8 pitcher night? I HAVE A PITCHER.
Yep I can make a seagull sound. It's identical. I tried it. They thought I was talking to them. It's pretty cool.
Spending 4 hours in the emergency room today tells me that your birthday party was a success.
It's like the blind leading the senile over here.
UPDATE: shit just got real- grandma is threatening to beat grandpa with a wooden spoon covered in chili.
Dude you of all people would miss her giving him a handjob in front of the whole party
Just considered playing a drinking game with powerade with my sister so she would get some fluids in her. I do so well with sick people.
Also I played a weird game of chicken in the ladies room at work between myself the person pooping 2 stalls over and a very determined maintenance man.
You might have been able to redeem yourself had you not referred to grandma as "this bitch".
That explains the hand print on my face. That old lady knows how to throw a punch.
He knocked me in the face with the phone during my light show. Didn't even feel it. Ecstasy is amazing
What's the best way to tell a guy he can call me when his impending divorce is finalized?
I think I met my butt stuff soulmate
He literally shoved the EMT, climbed in the back of the ambulance with his vodka and was like, "C'mon, people. Wrap this up. I got shit to do."
Thank you, my gorgeous heroine, for being such a total life-saver by giving me rides, forcing me to eat, providing porous absorbant surfaces to bleed on, and everything else you do <3
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