Wake and baked to watch the boston marathon. God I love massachusetts
He jacked off on my pillow when he found out I left. It was like coming home and finding that your dog, with separation anxiety, had pooped in your shoes. I think I'm flattered...
i just traded 2 rolls of toilet paper for half a water bottle of vodka. i love college
Mega depressed bro. Had the greatest sex with the hottest girl I've ever seen and in the AM she gave me that look I've given dozens of times. I'm her drunken fat chick fuck
I have a cat, a bottle of wine, and a Brazilian man. I need to catch you up on my life
Hey, you remember years ago when you told me you would give me a kidney?
I was afraid she wouldn't be able keep up but I woke up in a bathtub, she called me a pussy and made me pancakes.
If someone told me one person in the department was secretly a death eater, I would suspect her, no contest.
Had to decide between a hook up at the train restroom or getting to work on time #growingup
i just got referred to as "the Loch Ness Cockster". God bless my Scottish heritage.
UGH FUCK THIS TRAFFIC I WANNA SUCK A DICK
I think i'm the first person to get kicked out of a club while completely sober. Come outside please!!
We were supposed fuck one time, but ended up fucking for 2 years.
Well, I have no idea where my underwear is, so yea I would say it was a good weekend.
Speaking of dumpster fires, your ex tried to add me on Facebook
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