I just noticed that when I sneeze...my nipples get hard.
I just ate a whole bag of celery instead of getting up to get a glass of water. That high.
Shoot me. Guy hitting on me with a beaver on his head. Says it is his spirit animal.
Power went out. She lit a candle and gave me head. Made some pretty impressive candlelight cocksucking shadowpuppets. Must be what porn was like in olden times.
I can't help but feel like we would be friends still if my phone didn't always capitalize BUTTLOAD...
The amount of knuckle children I've had to the Farrah Abraham sex tape is disturbing and impressive
It makes no sense at first, you go with it, it's fun and entertaining and then a disaster
No I need this job. I actually contemplated buying a vibrator with my dad's credit card the other night.
The sex is great, I just think it'd be better if we listened to Deftones during it.
HEY JUST FOUND A SHIT TON OF MONEY IN THE PURSE HE SENT BRB GONNA GO BUY ME SOME MALE STRIPPERS AND BATHE IN THESE TWENTY DOLLAR BILLS
Don't do shots out of Tostitos scoops.
He put his burrito in the bag with his dildo.
I renamed some of my contacts in my phone before passing out and I have one I cant figure out, its "fucking house elf scum"
Not this time. I'm drinking in my sweatpants which means I've given up for the day and shouldn't be in public.
I keep worrying she's gonna have a repeat of the time the ceiling fan was talking in Chinese
Randomize
