I am going to invent a chocolate mix for sperm.
I interrupted her conversation with, "are we gonna fuck yet?" and she immediately got naked. thanks for the blind date
I mean can we take a second to high five on our sex life? I love us.
No, this time she was diabetic. I think I fucked her into diabetic shock.
Hey man, sorry I chased you around the house with a small table.
Judging by my dry clothes and wet sheets, I think I might have gotten out of bed, pissed ON it, covered it up, and passed out on top of it
I don't want the last thing I hear while alive to be Jesse's Girl
Thanks i'm proud of you and I'm proud of beer and vodka for making me drunk
You know it's a good Halloween party when a guy wearing a light-up sombrero offers you blow.
'go have sex with her' ddoes not count as wingman
who orders an old fashioned in 2014? even my Grandparents think you're an asshole.
You were carrying a 6 ft lamp that we stole on your back yelling "OHANA MEANS FAMILY AND FAMILY MEANS NOBODY GETS LEFT BEHIND"
college girl with braces trying to flirt with you...time to go
so i went over to her house and we played crash bandicoot, ate calzones, and had sex all day. im in love.
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
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