Remind me that when I'm pregnant, I should NOT post vaginal dilation updates on my facebook. Ever.
dude, showing up drunk to physics was the best idea ever. I just tripled my participation for the semester. I love st pattys day
My flask crushed my baggie full of aderall in my backpack, why can't my demons just live together in peace
letting you know, as a good neighbor, that when your windows open and your shade is up we can hear and see you dancing naked to money maker... nice boobs
he just made me do "this little piggy" to his toes.
Nothing like a marijuana chart of usage in each country to make me understand math.
I asked if he wanted to come over and he said he was busy. Then I sent him a pic of me in the bath with the bottle of wine I already finished and all of a sudden he was free. Booty calls are too easy.
So I hear you're taking over showing your penis responsibilities now that I'm gone?
I woke up spooning with a broom that someone taped a mustache too..i need to stop starting my nights by drinking "hangover" wine.
I love how my phone automatically capitalizes Margarita. R-e-s-p-e-c-t.
You know you're doing college wrong when you have to bail your RA out of jail
Got promoted and on my way out the door was informed that my beard makes my face perfect for riding. Today is gonna be a good day.
She's too awesome to dump: she gives me great blow jobs and free Popeyes. You just don't burn a bridge like that.
Humming the Indiana Jones theme song as my hand makes its way to his dick.
“before I show up tits a blazing, what’s the sexual temperature here?“
Randomize
