omg i can't drink anymore.. i just pulled up my dress and started playing with my vagina
so after he got his stomach pumped, he asked for a smoking room.
My professor just gave us a margarita recipe.
Why?
Because, and I quote, he "wants to give us the tools to succeed in life."
He asked me "did you used to go to church" while we were having sex.
I sent two dick pics to a wrong number and one was in .gif format so it was helicoptering all over the place. I single handedly ruined a child's life.
Yeah! I was just fired because there was an over hire and the new girl is hotter than me. Seeing as how the new girl is my baby sister I think punching my manager is excusable.
She jumped on a table and took off her shirt and started yelling things that no one understood. For being 3, she has a dead on impression of a drunk party girl.
Never let him bartend when he's tripping. He sprinkled a ton of mexican shredded cheese over a jack and coke and called in a Monterey Jack Daniels.
Besides he said his dick was as big as a loaf of bread and that it was broken. So I was like u have half a head of hair and a broken dick that looks like bread. No thanks. Im good.
You put me in such a good mood with that road head, I bought everyone at Hooters donuts.
I'm content with our "friends with accidental benefits" situation.
On another note; I'm three days away from being 1/12th of my way from not having sex for a year. I need to get laid.
I feel like I should treat myself every time I find out I'm not pregnant. Is there a pie company that delivers??
I just used my vibrator to scratch my back. This being single shit is for the birds
I just want to feed you taquitos and play with your boner and live happily ever after
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