We learned a valuable lesson from last night. You can, in fact, order bacon on a Big Mac.
He was like an evil genius with the clitoris. I don't stand a chance.
Just mixed my liver cleanse with Bacardi. Best. Thing. Ever.
WHERE ARE MY FUCKING EYEBROWS?!
come help me. im curled up in the fetal position on the upper floor of the lib. please bring more caffeine or alcohol
its ok. its hell week the lib is a no judgment zone right now
Are you responsible for the syringes and miniature cactus garden that has magically taken over my fridge?
Until she magically finds a brain, I'm going to be a dick. Fair trade. She's a idiot, I'm an ass.
I really don't think there's anything more liberating than farting.in a loud bar where no one.can.hear you
Did you clean his pubes up off the table yet?
I told you I missed you and you said you missed me as much as you miss a urinary tract infection. I get it. You're still mad.
I learned that I order a bunch of dollar shots at the bar and once it's ready turned around and say "who wants pay?" And someone will pay
They offered me pot brownies in 7 minutes flat. Imagine my horror when I had to be like, are those gluten free?
Dad smells like hangovers and 65 years of bitterness
she just kept straddling the railing to the stairs and shouting "come on Seabiscuit, lets win this for America."
I told my mom that I was just gonna go check the mail. It's been 19 hours, and I woke up in a hot tub covered in chocolate, with a text from her sayin "have fun sweetie"
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