I wanna wear you like a flannel shirt
i'm in the sorta mood where i wanna be that crying, drunk girl who will hook up with anyone that tells her she's pretty
I want to see you every morning in the kitchen ass naykid on roller blades making pancakes.
Stop sending me these texts. This is your mom, not your girlfriend.
So excited for tonight I might actually pee my pants BEFORE I get blackout
Two portable blenders. We are going to be popular and dangerous.
I just googled if crying burns calories
I'm still not completely convinced I'm not pregnant. I just dipped beef jerky in cream cheese frosting.
I booty called her while she was in labor.
It's not like I ment to feed you the shots of vodka, my hand just kinda slipped.
Hey so when you left last night was i wearing shoes?
This is John, I met you downtown last night.
Oh, ok.
This is the cop that kept you out of trouble last night
This Christmas I would like to thank Jesus for cocaine.
How’d it go?
I accidentally joined a cult
So not great...
I'm just bringing him "breakfast," and breakfast may lead to lunch and dinner, but that doesn't mean I want the mealplan.
IT WAS A FUCKING ELEPHANT I SWESR!!!!!
Nathan, I haven't spoken to you in 12 years and it's 6am. Kindly fuck off.
Randomize
