There was a fist fight in my basement last night at four in the morning, in case you were wondering
All drunkenness aside, confirm u are alive
guy from last night has fluorescent crocs in his closet. judging by the rest of his clothes he doesn't wear them in an ironic way
i think the whole apartment complex could hear you beating off last night
bitch please you did NOT just unlike my status..
i woke up with toilet paper straight tucked up in my underwear wearing a pizza sauce mustach. I dont think i got laid last night.
I had sex with her because I didn't want to hurt her feelings.. You're the one who told me I should be more sensitive.
she chased the tour bus screaming I BET YOUR DICK IS THE SIZE OF YOUR MICROPHONE STAND. i think its safe to say were never getting vip passes again.
I'm pretty sure whiskey overrules bulimia in the eyes of Texas boys
We decided we needed a drinks fridge in our bathroom.
Apparently I got mad at you for "Not drinking with me till we thought we were seahorses" and smashed my face on your door. Then I put my feet in the oven and started crying because I was drinking alcohol from a pot. My life is spinning out of control.
Will that be creepy to wake him up at midnight with my tongue all over his body??
To drink from my fkask next to a cop car or to not drink from my flask next to a cop car
Ugh. I'm going to die alone, sister. Half-eaten by one of my thirty-seven cats and clutching a martini shaker
Why am I sleeping on top of the fridge?
You were playing hide and seek with the dog. she couldn't find you and you passed out.
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