so this carnie looked at me and said "the ride in my pants is funner." i wet myself.
i literally laid in bad for an hour last night thinking of what i'm going to name my cats when i become a cat lady.
brittany murphy hurts far more than michael jackson, patrick swayze, etc because i never masturbated to any of those other people
i feel like pizza bites are my only friend right now
Sorry we're taking so long, this weed cake tastes amazing with Tabasco sauce on it.
I'll probably regret it tomorrow. But right now, accepting this $2000 credit card so that I can finance booty calls from across the united states sounds like a golden idea.
I've never heard of anyone celebrating the holidays with a fuck buddies family before.
....I'll be expecting my trophy when I return.
I swear to God, if you drunkenly correct my grammar one more time, I'm cutting you off.
nothing like walking in the house at 3 am in my panties and a sheer shirt carrying a life sized cardboard dale earnhardt jr
Add caroling to the list of things we need to do in an elevator
body shots are frowned upon at family weddings. i'll keep that in mind next time. maybe.
I have never thoroughly inspected the geometry of my nipples until now. How do I fix this?
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. It doesn't matter what it's about. Last text was about a homeless dude
Want to sleep. Also want to see Alex on MDMA doing really stupid shit. Choices...
When we started the night I was in zebra wedges & she was in my black boots... I woke up wearing pink flip flops & the mirror on my rental is fuxked up. Wtf happened last night?
Randomize
