Do you think there are girls out there that really do like small penis?
fyi, take the long route to the library. the "can i be your baby daddy?" homeless man migrated back for winter
Highlight of the day: realizing the man in the car next to mine was getting road head... at 2:45pm... nicely done sir, nicely done.
I just deleted all the drug dealers from my phone, I guess this is growing up
Champagne is a vitamin, right?
So how much of last night are we going to pretend never happened? Enough to stay friends?
do you still have a key to my apartment? Without going into too much detail locked myself out naked on the patio, currently using a deck cushion to cover myself so kids walking home from school dont see me
If you do wifi you would be helping my penis out & real friends care about their friends penises...
and let me tell you something, handcuffs are surprisingly uncomfortable when they arent being used in a sexual manner
I want to throw all of their shoes in the pool so I feel like there is some justice in the world
You know it was a good night when you're lying on the couch in your pjs at 4pm having a pitcher of ice water for breakfast.
i snuck out to taco bell in my hospital gown earlier
You followed me up the stairs while i was throwing up yelling "projectile! projectile! projectile!"
Ik youre sleeping but fyi its 5:32am I'm sitting in the middle of the road bra less and shoeless with boxers in my hand and no ride. Shits real crazy.
I ate at the cafeteria for the first time yesterday and today I think I had an hour long fart.
Randomize
