If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
My mouth tastes like defeat. Did he at least have money?
What kind of poor, pathetic town do we live in where a horny teenage girl is sitting in her basement on a saturday night, unlaid?
its freezing days like this when i seriously consider littering to speed up the global warming processes.
basically at this point ill snort whatever you put in front of me and just hope
I wish the inside of the tampon box said "CONGRATULATIONS YOUR NOT A MOTHER!"
I am not kidding you. There is an airport luggage cart overturned in my driveway. We need to stop going to the airport bar.
Still not exactly sure how i unbolted your toilet from the ground.
I dont know how to respond to your rave picture. I mean yeah, he's hot, but it just seems wrong to be like "Please tell me you fucked that guy with the pacifier!"
Don't look him in the eyes, it like looking at the sun but instead of burning your retinas it makes you wet and vulnerable
He said I could liberate his beef and all I could think about was how I don't eat veal for political reasons.
My mom asked me if I ever go on dates. I had to suppress the urge to ask if having casual sex with a freshmen counts as dating
I'm 50% sure my cousin put weed in these deviled eggs.
I just had the most intense bikini wax of my life, i felt like i needed guardrails
Is it weird that I only look up my ex on Twitter when I take a shit? May have conditioned myself to associate him with shit
Randomize
