i may or may not have just grinded on your dog thinking it was my boyfriend
getting caught by my parents in bed with another guy was way easier coming out than telling them over dinner like I had planned.
you started texting yourself and saying they were "divine messages from heaven" then you threw up on stacie's piano.
Well we were just driving down the street, there was a realtor and a couple walking up the porch of a house for sale, mark sticks his head out, opens his mouth to say something, pukes all down the side of the car, pauses, and yells "THIS IS A PHENOMAL NEIGHBORHOOD YOURE GONNA LOVE IT"
Note to self not a good idea to try and make out with a girl when she's crying over her boyfriend
it was such a weird mix, KFC and penis
we came up with a wnba drinking game. take a shot every play that you could've done better. won't make it through 1st quartar
Plus I'm pretty sure you said "love you" on the phone, so technically I should be putting you on some type of probation
You know your high, when your chugging applesauce out of the jar with no utensils.
He just stared into my eyes and touched himself. That isn't hooking up.
I am pretty sure they consider me one of the "bros". They compliment girl's racks to me and are the human forms of dick-be-gone. They won't sleep with me more than once cause it's "weird", or let any "untrustworthy boys" sleep with me and I still help them get laid. Not...fair...
Did you put Dave Matthews band on the playlist? It's really hard to funnel when "Crash Into Me" kicks in.
It's 2016 and I'm somehow banging the milkman.
I have no regard for my liver, you should know this.
My mom said "I saw the signs you guys were high, so I made the spaghetti"....so ya, I'd say she definitely knew
Randomize
