hotel room ftw
ed mcmahon, farrah fawcett, and michael jackson all in one week. What next god, are you juts gonna take my penis too?
my mom just poured a water bottle of wine to take my dog on a walk...
Everytime I walk into a bathroom at school that I've taken a pregnancy test in I get a little bit nostalgic....
Seriously. He was just sitting there naked in the dark with a boner pissed that I came home late.
Chapter 6 - how to lose your underwear in chicago
At the end of the white elephant exchange, our professor had a big black dildo around her neck and I won a full body dinosaur suit. I could die tomorrow with no regrets.
YOU DID DRUGS AFTER A THREESOME WHO ARE YOU TO JUDGE ME?!!?
I just used crown royal bags as pot holders...
It gave me the St Patrick's Day nickname Slutty McShitfaced. I've never felt so understood.
You FaceTimed your mom in the back of the limo telling her how many guys you hooked up with at the concert
I should be free tonight unless my 5 speed vibrator arrives in the mail today, than we might have scheduling conflicts.
Red Alert: She has 3 cats, a parrot, and 2 rats. Initiate Protocol Zero and rendezvous at Checkpoint Bravo for debriefing
EW HE LOOKS LIKE SOMEONE'S DAD
But then our conversations are like black box recordings. Just the stuff you hear when the plane is going down
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