Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
They want to listen to Lady Gaga while they puke.
We've finally come to the understanding that as long as our conversation stays stricaly sexual, we get along.
remember last night when you and I took turns yelling THIS IS HUGE in my dogs faces? I love wine night.
conquered wheelchair sex. it's rather convenient. you'd think it was made for it, with all those handles and adjustable features.
where's my purse there's an important taco in it
Just got a picture message from my sister of the two of us wearing cowboy hats and pressing our bare asses together. Do you remember enough to explain?
dude when im high using logic is an accomplishment that should be rewarded. make sure u get cinnamon twists
Why the hell did you invite him? He's gonna bring two more inches of dick and zero fun.
He was still there when I ran half naked into my suitemate's room where she was skyping her boyfriend and I started singing I JUST HAD SEEEEX
She came so hard that after she finished, she started a slow clap and then told me she pulled a muscle.
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?
I just tried to pass the bowl to my dog for 2 minutes before I remembered she isn't human. It is 7:27 am.
Oh I'm sorry does your girlfriend send you better pictures of things in her ass? No? Didn't think so. Remember that the next time you wanna complain how I don't make the first move enough.
Where's the chopping off someone's balls emoji
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