News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
Never again let me pretend to be australian for free booze.
i found a twelve pack under my bed. and a six pack in my closet. I'm like a fucking alcoholic squirrel.
He got about halfway through singing "Drift Away" before he passed out and broke my coffee table.
Alright I don't know how you'll link it to me but yes I left a nearly empty 12 pack on your trunk
Hey. Can you be so hung over that you get a rash?
i'm currently connecting with my tribal roots aka i just found my recorder from 3rd grade music class... be ready for the recording
You almost set me on fire last night.
You probably deserved it.
I want everyone to love me, and THEN I will choose who gets to eat me out all the time.
I just got three pairs of underwear free and a bathing suit for $20 by modeling them and letting the salesman grope me a bit.
It's great being a young gay man in Chicago!
we were making out in my truck and while she was straddling me she informs me that she jerks off horses for a living. Should I be concerned or flattered?
Friends don't let friends put redi whip in their wine
lol I'll trade you jello for a tampon
what a trade!
HOW DID I LET MYSELF GET SUCKED IN HE HAS A PENIS FOR PETE'S SAKE.
He sends me the same inspirational quote quotos that my grandma does. I no longer want to tap that.
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