i feel like even strangers are annoyed with me because of how drunk i was last night
I don't understand how he can't hear himself snoring, but he'll wake up to me sneaking m&m's from my junk food stash beside the bed...
super high. so of course there was a shoot out at the bank. there are 20 cop cars no lie. if i make it out of this i will never smoke again
No, I'm not keeping her! I can't become an adulterer and a dog stealer in the same 24 hours...
Saw a guy pass out and hit his head on a urinal. Laughing too hard to help him up
You definitely in your drunken state were really concerned you would forget to buy milk today
I feel like our lives always have been and always will be a never ending drunken rampage full of pregnancy scares and lost brain cells
I ate you ate to the whole david gray album
Maybe you need to change your pickup move. The "hey check these out" titty flash gets you the wrong kinda man.
He's way too stoned. I took him to el bra and he's laying on the table, not sure what to do with him
my human sexuality class is the only class where the porn i watch the night before is relevant to the discussion the next day
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
I was dreaming of a parallel reality and in the dream I just looked up at my present self and was like "you're high, man"
Don't Richard Nixon her vagina
The last thing I remember before blacking out was passing that sobriety test.
Randomize
